Debating the Power of "NO"

Anyone who has raised a child has heard the word "No" what seems like a million times. It's the first word that many of our children learn, some without actually making the connection to its meaning until they get a negative reaction from their parent or caregiver.

My own daughter's first word was "Dog" not "Mommy" like I had hoped with "No" a close second or third. One benefit of being an older mom though is the maturity and patience that comes along with age. When she started to say "No" and mean it, I was able to stand back and observe this little creature exerting her will. "How cute" I thought, "She is developing a personality!" It wasn't long though before she started to use the "No" word every time I tried to do anything with her. Getting her dressed became a chore, getting her coat on, putting on her shoes or boots, combing her hair, getting her into the bath, all day long was a symphony of me asking a question and her replying "No". I didn't lose my cool with her, I didn't force my will upon her, I started to use "timeouts".

We have a bench in our kitchen where I would make her sit and then set the microwave timer for 2 or 3 minutes. I had heard somewhere, probably on Dr. Phil, that a timeout period should include 1 minute for every year of age. So that's what I did. To my amazement she would sit there quietly while I went on with my day tidying up near by. During the timeout, I would not have eye contact with her but once that timer rang, I would run over, make a big deal out of what a good girl she had been to sit there and overly praise her for 15 or 20 seconds. She loved this and it worked! Whatever challenge had lead to the timeout was easily accomplished and we got on with our day.

I hadn't given much thought to this until my brother-in-law came to visit. Of course, like all opinionated family members who think they know it all, he had not raised any children of his own.

He was sitting at our kitchen table having his morning coffee when my daughter went into one of her "No" fits and wouldn't cooperate while I tied to get her dressed. As much as I hate to discipline her in front of others, I scooped her up and placed her on the timeout bench, told her not to move and then set the timer for 3 minutes. I then went about my business as usual. It wasn't long before I noticed my brother-in-law's face. We've all seen those disapproving looks, maybe some of us have even given them to others. In an effort to clear the air, I ask him what's on his mind. "Nothing" he lies so I tell him "Just get it off your chest, say your piece and be done with it, I've probably heard it before anyway."

As I expect, he tells me that he doesn't like how often she tells me "No" and wants to know why I put up with it. This entire time, my daughter is sitting quietly in her timeout waiting for that timer to ring and for the over-the-top praise she knows she will receive. On cue, the timer rings and I spring into action. I pick her up, tell her how good she was, we twirl around in the kitchen, laughing, hugging, I kiss her and praise her. When I look over at my brother-in-law, I can see from his expression that he doesn't approve. From the kitchen, my daughter and I move into the family room where I easily dress her, comb her hair and have her properly groomed for the day ahead. This has taken less than the three minute timeout with her full and enthusiastic cooperation.

With her playing quietly nearby, I walk back over to the kitchen. My brother-in-law gives me that disapproving look again. "Well?" I ask. "I don't understand why you let her tell you no, why don't you just make her get dressed?" he asks again. To this I respond "Look over at her playing, she is completely dressed, her hair is combed and neatly tied back, there have been no tears, no tantrums, no fighting, no hitting and she is content. What result do you think your method would have produced?" After pondering my point for a minute he says "Okay, but why do you allow her to say "no" to you so often?"

My response to him is still just a theory given that she is only 3 1/2. I haven't read any books on the subject, I haven't had the time! My belief is that as long as I don't react to her use of the word "No", neither she nor that word holds any power. Once I allow it to push my buttons, she has a weapon she can use and will continue to use time and time again. For now, I go about my day, ignoring the "No" word and using timeouts when she becomes uncooperative about doing the things that need to get done. So far, this has worked and I find I am hearing the "No" word less and less often, somedays not at all.

My brother-in-law sips his coffee, shakes his head and reluctantly agrees with my theory but then again, what else can he do? My house, my rules, my daughter Lol!

Messes, Mayhem and The Best Advice!

As anyone would expect, being a first-time mom later in life has its rewards but also its challenges. Years of living in a neat and tidy controlled environment give way to diapers, spills, spit up, messes and constant mayhem.

When my little one was born, I remember stressing myself out trying to keep our home in the same perfectly neat state it had always been in while taking on the full-time job of caring for a new baby around the clock. All the chaos that erupts from the minute you bring a baby home from the hospital until they finally fall into bed asleep filled our home. I was running around in circles but I just couldn't keep up. The dishes would pile up in the sink, dust would accumulate on the furniture in the rooms that we didn't use and the beds would go unmade for days.

One day a couple of months after my daughter was born, I was talking to my good friend, Karen on the telephone. I had worked with Karen for years in a well-organized office environment but she had been the first to give that up to stay at home and raise her three little ones. We had remained close so I knew she would be able to relate to the upheaval and chaos that now controlled my life.

I was complaining to her about how stressed I felt with all the housework that was no longer getting done. Instead of giving me the answer I thought I was looking for she laughed out loud and told me that she had felt exactly the same way, at first. Then she passed on to me her "light-bulb moment" and it literally changed my life.

"I gave up trying to keep a perfect house long ago. When my children grow up, I want them to remember all of the fun we had and the things we did together, not how clean I kept the house."

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course! How ridiculous of me to be so focused on my kitchen floor, my unmade bed or any other chore that was lagging behind. Why wasn't I taking the time to relax and enjoy these precious moments with my new baby, feeding her and just holding her? That day I vowed to make my daughter my priority and relax about my house. Karen's words had taken a huge weight off my shoulders and helped me to focus on what was important and what could wait.

Nothing drove that point home more than a year later when my husband's daughter had her second baby. We booked our flights and traveled the 5 hours to visit with her and meet our new granddaughter. At that time, our own daughter was only one and at that age of constant spills and messes.

We stayed at my step-daughter's home and I will never forget how uncomfortable I felt being chased around by her vacuum every time I made a meal or snack for my daughter. I didn't feel that I could sit down to feed her until I had wiped up every last crumb that fell during the food preparation, had stored away any utensils and dishes used into the dishwasher and had polished the granite counter where the food preparation had taken place. Only then could I feed my daughter as long as I kept a cloth close by to wipe up any crumbs that fell while she ate. Otherwise, my stepdaughter would jump in before the place I had been standing in had cooled off tidying up everything not allowing me the freedom to do it once my baby had been fed and taken care of. It drove me crazy and I left there vowing that I would never stay at her home again until our daughter was at an age where I didn't have to carry her in one arm while working feverishly with the other trying to clean up after her. Karen's advice would have served my stepdaughter well.

To this day, Karen's words echo through my mind and I can't thank her enough for giving me the best advice any new mom can receive. Our daughter is happy, her crayons are spread all over the living room, her toys are scattered, her puzzle pieces are on the floor, on the furniture and on her little table and I don't care. At the end of the day, once she goes to bed, I tidy it up and smile to myself happy in the knowledge that she had a wonderful, stress-free and fun-filled day and you know what?? So did I! Climbing into our own unmade bed once in a while isn't that bad after all!

What's for Dinner Tonight?

Here it is just a little over two weeks and I think I'm finally over the cold/flu that my daughter brought home from her Early Learning classmates. My husband is nearly over it and my daughter who is only 3 1/2 tolerated it much better than either of us. Oh sure, I wiped her nose on a pretty regular basis, listened to her cough during the day and all night but overall, this little bug didn't slow her down at all. She spent her days running through the house, laughing, jumping, climbing on the furniture and drawing. All the regular activities 3 1/2 year olds get up to when they have a mom who is either too sick or too tired to keep them under control.

It hasn't been all bad though. If I had to pick the best part of being stuffed up and sick with a cold/flu, it would be the freedom from having to decide what to cook for dinner each night. During the past two weeks, our evening meals were either soup or chowder right out of the can so there was almost no prep work and very little clean up. On the few evenings we felt like having something a little more substantial, my husband cooked or we ordered take out. Oh yes, how spoiled I have been while playing up this cold/flu for all it's been worth.

So now with the color back in my cheeks, my coughing under control and the wads of kleenex no longer bulging out of each pocket, it's back to reality. My husband came home for lunch today and just before leaving to go back to finish the afternoon, I hear those words I have not heard for two weeks "What's for dinner tonight?".

It's now back to standing in the kitchen with my head stuck in the freezer (and not for the hot flashes this time Lol!) rooting around and wondering "What am I going to make for dinner tonight?" That age old question that has plagued women since the Stone Age. As I glance through my pantry to see what groceries I still have on hand since before catching my cold, I decide on curry shrimp, steamed rice and chicken pad thai without the bean sprouts. Don't be impressed though, the curry sauce comes out of a jar, the shrimp are bagged in the freezer and so is the lone boneless, skinless chicken breast and the pad thai sauce is in a jar. All I have to do is cook the rice for the side dish, boil the rice noodles for the pad thai and open a couple of jars, heat everything up, throw in the shrimp and chicken and voila "Dinner".

So now I'm off to the kitchen to work my magic but before I do, I have just one question for you, "What are you making for dinner tonight?"

Special K, Ice Cream and Popsicles!

Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right? Well, this cold or flu or whatever it is has completely taken over the house. We are all coughing, sneezing and blowing! Right now, my focus has changed to getting rid of this cold rather than getting rid of my big butt! Funny thing is, I've still managed to lose a bit this past week even though my new diet consists of Special K and fruit for breakfast and then soup for both lunch and dinner with plenty of ice cream and popsicles in between to sooth my sore throat. I bet if I took the time or energy to do an accurate calorie count, I'm still well below 1800 per day so at least I'm maintaining what was lost last week plus adding a bit more to my total weight loss. Still haven't been able to go back to yoga although I'm aiming for this Wednesday if I can get my coughing under control.

Oh the joys of getting my daughter out of the house for a couple of hours per week and into the company of 12 other toddlers along with their germs! If this is any indication of what our Winters are going to be like for the next 15 years, I'm going to need to get back into shape more than ever. Wait till those stomach bugs go around. Can't wait to clean up the mess they will bring not to mention, catch it myself. I don't remember the last time my stomach was so upset it caused me to vomit, not even during my pregnancy. I was one of those women the other pregnant ladies would secretly hate because I had no morning sickness at all. During my pregnancy, I would occasionally get the very slightest touch of nausea that would start around 10:00 at night so I just went to bed and then would wake up the next morning feeling great. Yes, those were the days when I could actually get a full, uninterrupted 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Yes, those were the days!

Once the baby was born, I was up every three hours to breast feed in addition to waking up every time she moved in her bed. That waking every time she moves is still going on to this day. Doesn't matter that she's across the hall, I still hear everything. In the old days, I used to be able to sleep through a thunder storm without waking up, now all she has to do is turn her head on her pillow and I'm wide awake. I wonder if this will ever wear off??

So back to the challenges at hand, yes, I'm still on the path of trying to lose some weight before our trip, I'm also trying to get myself, our daughter and my husband over this flu and yes, I'm still trying to deal with menopause. As I try to get over this cold, all I can say is "I can't tell if I've got a fever or having one long hot flash!!"

Free Time and Yoga!

With the middle of September now upon us, I can finally say that I think the constant company and visitors have finally gone home and I think they will be staying there, at least until Christmas. If I'm lucky, I will get the chance to take a little trip myself to visit with my sister who lives about a 3 1/2 hour drive away (she has her own blog which you can find using the direct link to the right).  Will be a "girl's weekend" with lots of wine and no structured meals! Love that, eat when you want, drink as much as you want and sleep when you want. Every mom needs this at least once or twice a year.

In my last post, I talked about my little girl starting her early learning classes.  Well I can't believe how easy it was when I left her in the care of someone other than family.  I thought I would sit outside sobbing or worrying and instead, once I saw she was settled, I hightailed it out of there and smiled all the way to the car and to the mall!  Yay!  I have a few hours to myself now twice a week! She loved the school, the kids and teachers and was just as eager when it was time for her second class yesterday. Tomorrow she goes again and I'm smiling ear to ear! What to do!  What to do! 

Getting that taste of freedom has led to me signing up for an 8-week yoga course. I go two nights per week and I was so pleased to learn that our instructor studied in India, she is in her late 50's (I think) and knows what she's doing.  I live in a small town and she has the only yoga classes here. There is nothing worse than signing up for a class only to find out that the instructor is an anorexic teenager who received their training from a book at the library. I've already been to one class and believe me, this woman is focused on yoga and nearly every one else at that beginner's class looked as much like a train wreck as I did.  I fit right in Lol!

I had been into yoga about 5 years ago and even practiced every day during my pregnancy. Once the baby was born though, yoga went out the window! I didn't get past level two in my previous classes and now with the newborn and toddler years behind me, I'm hoping to get back on track and work my way back to being somewhat flexible again.  I can't believe how stiff and inflexible I have become in such a short time. The other wonderful thing that yoga teaches is to love and appreciate your body, exactly the lessons I need to focus on when watching what I eat.

So on that note, I'm off to the kitchen to make a healthy dinner for my family and then it's off to my yoga class which starts in 2 hours!

Early Learning Starts Tomorrow!

Well, I haven't posted in several weeks, we have had so many visitors with two more arriving tomorrow, then more company expected on the 14th or 15th.  Have I taken any time out for myself?  Of course not!  It has been a blur of restaurant meals, big home cooked meals, wine (of course I don't mind that part of having company and need the alcohol!), driving all over the place giving tours and spending time at our cottage.  If having all that company wasn't enough work, we hosted two dinners at our cottage last week, I don't get a break anywhere even when we go away by ourselves!

I'm not even going to mention my weight at this point, who could focus and create any type of healthy eating routine with exercise in all this chaos??!! I know, I can make excuses until the cows come home and end up looking just like one at this rate Lol!  Honestly, I'm really hoping that the stability that comes with having a routine without week after week of vacation and company will provide an environment I can better manage my health in. Enough on that, I'll keep you posted.

What's really on my mind is my little girl.  She starts her early learning classes tomorrow for 2 1/2 hours two days per week! This will be the first time she has been out of my sight with someone other than family since she was born. She turned 3 last April and it's now time to start loosening those apron strings. I'm trying to focus on what I can actually accomplish with her out from under my feet but I know I will be having anxiety attacks until I pick her up at that magic hour of 3:30 tomorrow afternoon. Last week they had their "meet the other students and teacher" event and of course we were away so I wasn't able to attend.  The teacher was gracious enough to meet with us yesterday and answer my ridiculous questions "Is there a nurse in the building?", "Are you trained in first aid?", "Do you closely monitor who picks up the children?", "Will there be prayers with some psycho instilling the fear of God into her?", "How do you handle bad behavior and discipline?" and the list goes on.  I was there for almost 40 minutes and I'm sure the teacher needed a drink herself after we left.

Doing something for myself??  You bet, I've actually made that hair appointment and will be getting a cut, color and foils later this month. I haven't been to the hairdresser since last January and the only thing done to my hair since then has been me hacking at my bangs with dull scissors. This appointment is long overdue! 

Getting back to the menopause, I'm happy to report that I can actually feel the fog lifting and can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  The hot flashes have reduced significantly, I'm down to about three every 24 hours with each one lasting only about 45 seconds.  I'm so hoping that my hormones are adapting and I won't need any replacement therapy, bio-identical or otherwise! I've been talking to someone who knows of a very good homeopathic practitioner in our area that I should see.  I'm rolling around the idea of making an appointment with her. In the meantime, I've had to delay my own appointment with my GP which is fine. If things keep looking up on the menopause front, I have no intention of asking for hormone replacement therapy anyway!

So Far So-So, But Much Better Lately!!

Well, I'm happy to report that I managed to survive the onslaught of company in June and early July and I'm now gearing up for more company that is due to arrive next week.  Through it all, I've been doing so-so on the healthy eating commitment with all the restaurants, family and take out.

Luckily, for the last three weeks, things are going great and I feel I'm finally on that "roll".  I'm so focused on all the local produce that is now ripe and ready to eat neatly stacked and displayed at our local farmer's market. No excuse not to eat healthily, everything looks so tasty and it is. I invested in an entire new set of Professional Paderno pots, the old ones are neatly packed ready to be carted up to the cottage. Also purchased a Paderno grill pan and I'm ready to try my hand at some new recipes with it. Fresh grilled veggies and fish mainly. 

So in all this I've noticed something. It seems the worse my diet, the more I suffer from hot flashes. Connection? There must be. I haven't had nearly as many during the last three weeks of being more conscious of what's going into my mouth even though we had a spell of high humidity which really makes them feel even worse. So on the health front, I'm feeling much better, there is more room in my clothes and my energy levels are higher than before. I actually feel like taking a walk at night, working in the garden or mowing our huge lawn.

I've also discovered that I love fruit smoothies and to my daughter's delight, she loves it when we share one. So far banana is our favorite and if you want to give it a try, just blend up one ripe banana, 1/4 c skim milk, 1/3 c vanilla yogurt, 3 ice cubes and a pinch of nutmeg.  That makes enough for us both and even though I've been experimenting with other fruit, so far, this is our favorite blend. 

She's is having a great Summer, hanging out at our cottage, enjoying the playground that is close to our home and just making a mess in the sandbox out back. Getting lots of fresh air and growing like crazy.  Potty training is going much better but still too many accidents to get out of the pull ups entirely. I've only got a couple of weeks to work on that. The clock is ticking! 

In a few weeks, she starts pre-school for two afternoons a week. Am I anxious about letting her out of my sight for the first time in more than three years? Oh yeah! Now I understand all those stories I used to hear about mother's sobbing when they dropped off their little ones at school or kindergarden for the first few times. It wouldn't surprise me if I end up waiting out in the parking lot for the entire 2 1/2 hours that first day. Such a control freak, I won't even let my husband take her away overnight without me!

So as I type this post while she sits at her table drawing pictures, the beautiful sunny day is slipping by so I think I'll get her into her shoes and take her out for some fresh air!